From Cali Yost;
Read the interview below of Francine Russo about her new book, “They’re
Your Parents Too? How Siblings Can Survive Their Parents’ Aging Without
Driving Each Other Crazy (Bantam, 2010). Cali says this is a must read
for everyone with aging parents and siblings…”I only wish the book had
been written two years ago when my sisters and I cared for our mother
until her death from cancer…In addition to being incredibly
well-written, it addresses many important issues that my sisters and I
intuitively navigated blindly…Recently, i spoke with Francine Russo
about “They’re Your Parents Too!” Here are highlights from our
conversation…”
Francine Russo and her new book, They’re Your Parents Too! How Siblings
Can Survive Their Parents’ Aging Without Driving Each Other Crazy
<http://www.yourparentstoo.com/> (Bantam, 2010), is a must read for
everyone with parents and siblings.
Recently, I spoke with Francine Russo about They’re Your Parents Too!
Here are some highlights from our conversation.
CY: Having coordinated a very intense two-year period of elder care with
my two sisters, this book really hit a chord. I haven’t seen anything
written on the subject of siblings sharing care of their aging family
members. Why do you think that is, and what do you hope your book does?
FR: In the past, grandparents usually died quickly and didn’t live to be
that old. They didn’t need help for 10 years. This is the first time
in history that original family members have to engage intimately,
perhaps for the first time in 40 years, over important issues that may
go on for a decade.
People always had to go through the psychological passage of losing
parents and facing their own mortality. But we never had to do it while
gathering with original family members and negotiating how to coordinate
care for so long.
The family has changed. You’re not the little sister. You’re not the
big sister. Everyone is an adult, and it’s a challenge to adapt in this
new period as adults especially in a crisis when we tend to revert back
to old roles. We learned these roles as little kids. You may have to
deal with favoritism, or that so-and-so is the “incompetent” one. All
this needs to be reexamined as you are today.
Caring for your parents is a wake up call to become conscious. Be aware
of your feelings as you navigate uncharted waters. You need to know
that huge emotions can sweep you up, and you want to be prepared so you
can react in ways that are productive.
CY: In the book you talk about the process of picking a primary
caregiver. You point out that who that main person might be isn’t
always obvious. Can you say more about the process? And how much of
this conversation can take place between siblings before an elder care
crisis hits?
FR: Caring for a parent is not a job for one person. It is a major
family passage. And the conversation should take place if at all
possible before a crisis happens. In a perfect scenario, the parent
should be involved directly in that discussion. That’s not always
possible because you might get, “Oh, I don’t want to talk about that.
I’m going to die at 89 years old in my sleep.” Well, that rarely if
ever happens.
My hope for the book is that the sibling who buys it and reads it first
passes it along and initiates the dialogue. For example, it is often
assumed that location determines who will provide care, but that is not
the case. In addition to the responsibilities and location of
individual siblings, you should consider who has the closest
relationship with the parent or parents. In some instances, that will
mean the parents will decide to relocate closer to the child with whom
they have the strongest emotional bond. This is especially true if a
parent is moving to assisted living or continuous care.
Yes, caring for a parent is a family job; however, it is helpful if one
person, with everyone’s agreement, takes responsibility. But that
doesn’t mean assigning jobs. Many of the complaints I’ve heard have to
do with a caregiver feeling overburdened, or being highly controlling.
It is best if everyone is asked what they want to contribute, and what
they are comfortable doing. This then becomes a regular assignment
that’s part of schedules and lists outlining tasks and responsibilities.
The important thing is to maintain a sense that we are all in this
together. It’s easy for caregivers to feel let down by their siblings.
They expected help but didn’t say anything, and they feel rejected.
The stress can tap into so many unhelpful, often counterproductive
things we learn in families like, “I shouldn’t have to ask my brother.”
It’s so wrong, but does a great deal of damage to a relationship. By
the time the siblings finally begin to interact, there’s lots of anger.
CY: Disagreements between siblings about end of life treatment can be
incredibly difficult. My sisters and I are very close, but toward the
end of my mother’s life it was interesting to watch how we each dealt
with what was a heart wrenching situation so differently. Why is it
important for siblings to recognize the unique challenges of this
particular time, and what can they do to avoid as much of the confusion
as possible?
FR: You’re right. This is possibly the most difficult moment in life,
and it will bring up equally difficult emotions. Some siblings will not
want to let go and will want to keep Mom or Dad around no matter what.
Siblings need to have compassion for each other. All I can say is don’t
wait to have this conversation! This book is a manual to help you
prepare emotionally for the end-of-life reality now. A great way to do
this is to initiate the conversation over the holidays when everyone is
gathered. You could start by saying, “I heard this horrible story about
a friend’s parent going into a coma having not discussed what they
wanted their children to do. It was a mess. I hope that never happens
to our family. (Mom/Dad), while we are in the same room, can you tell
us what you would want us to do?”
When handled this way, siblings get beyond emotional distortions, needs,
and competitions. There’s a much better chance you’ll all be on the
same page when it happens. However, some siblings may still have
trouble letting go. If you think it is going to be really difficult,
make a trusted relative who is not a sibling the health care proxy.
CY: One of my favorite parts of the book talks about “Reinventing Your
Family,” and establishing new rituals. This is so important and yet
it’s not top of mind as you are knee deep in the care giving. Why is it
important and what should sibling caregivers do to start that
reinvention process?
FR: Many times original family rituals formed around the parents.
Whether during an illness or after they die, new rituals need to take
their place.
If siblings have started a dialogue around caregiving that’s reasonable
and friendly, they can extend this. For example, commit to meet once a
year at a particular time. There were sisters who hadn’t spoken in a
year because they were very angry. As part of their negotiation to try
to repair their relationship that had broken down over care giving, they
agreed to meet once a year.
Another idea is to make phone calls or video conferences part of every
holiday. Make it a ritual. Another story I heard that I like was of
three sisters who didn’t live in the same city but agreed to all fly to
Chicago, which is where there mother had lived, every year on her
birthday for the weekend.
It’s about connecting but also being flexible because everyone has busy
lives.
CY: Thank you, Francine. As someone who charted the elder care trenches
with my sisters and made it out the other side, I wish we had had this
book to guide us. Thank you for seeing an unmet need and providing such
a comprehensive, helpful how-to.
Have you spoken with your siblings about how you plan to coordinate care
for your parents? If you have, what was the experience like? If you
haven’t, why not?
For more about They’re Your Parents Too! and Francine Russo, go to
www.yourparentstoo.com <http://www.yourparentstoo.com/> , and
@YourParentsToo <http://twitter.com/YourParentsToo> on Twitter.
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